The one thing that supports a child to grow up with a secure attachment style..
is the same thing which allows for safety and intimacy within intimate/romantic partnerships.
And it’s boiled down to one word.
Repair.
This is why conscious intimate relationship can be a catalyst for healing our deepest wounds.
Studies have shown that the brains neuroplasticity is increased and supported in relation to how quickly a parent or partner is able to engage in, and reciprocate repair.
What comes to mind is all of the unhealed grudges and resentments which might still be lingering in the collective field.
Luckily, we all have an opportunity to practice repair in the relationships we have around us now.
What does repair look like?
Apologizing when you know your actions may have hurt someone, even if it wasn’t your intention. Acknowledging the feelings of others without going into defense. Taking personal responsibility. Responding to the needs of your loved ones.
The wild thing is that caregivers only need to get it right 50% of the time in order to have a positive impact. That leaves a lot of room for error. lol.
We don’t have to be perfect – good enough is enough.
When I reflect on the connections (romantic and platonic) which have cultivated trust – it has been those which have allowed for an open dialogue of listening, reflecting what was said, and then creating space for the other to also share their perspective.
The things which eroded trust, were mistruths which had gone unacknowledged, defensiveness, and gaslighting, all of which subtly sent the message:
”Okay, I can see that I can not rely on this person to always be honest with me.” or “I can see this person doesn’t have the capacity to understand/hear me.”
regardless of whether these concepts were based in truth or not.
All of which ultimately moved us further away from intimacy; shadows repressed with a mask of false pride – deepening the bounds of separation.
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This doesn’t mean that anyone should be expected to always be available (50%, remember?).
But loving communication has always been key, which can range from: “I can understand why you feel that way.” to “I love you, I’m here for you, and I don’t have the space right now – let’s circle back on this tomorrow.”
It important to practice gentleness with both parties in this situation. Gentleness with yourself and the other.
Because the accusatory fearful behaviors ultimately come from an insecure desire for more connection and intimacy.
And the defensive behaviors generally come from a place of feeling ‘wrong’ , ‘shameful’, or overwhelmed.
But if we can all come from a place of humility, without accusations, and with curiosity, we can allow room for both parties and perspectives to co-exist.
It goes from us against one another – to us against the issue.
When it comes to communication, we also have to be aware of the level of awareness and emotional intelligence of the other party.
For example, the child may not be as evolved as the adult (although you never know these days ;))
Essentially, healthy repair addresses the concerns and feelings of the other party, which allows for reconnection, and ultimately a strengthening of trust.
I see the shadow/light concept as a metaphor for this.
Can we acknowledge our shadows of fear, shame, being ‘bad’, ‘wrong’, and ‘not-enough’ with humility and grace?
Openly taking responsibility for our fears, and admitting/apologizing for our wrong doings (revealing the light energy from our shadow) making way for more connection, intimacy, and love to shine through?
Because at the core of it. That’s what we all really want, right?
To love, connect, to see and be seen.
This is something we’ll dive into in the Sacred S*x Mentorship.
Because true intimacy requires conscious communication.