It’s been interesting spending time in new places with new people. Exploring new scapes, both external and internal. Discovering the things that I like, the things I dislike.
It’s a big world. There are so many different flavors of experience mixing together differently, creating unique recipes. What is in one dish isn’t always in the other, and sometimes it’s hard to choose a favorite. But I think everyone has a cuisine that they could see themselves eating for the rest of their lives.
You can’t know what you like, or don’t like, without trying it, and you cannot have an honest judgement about it without doing so, either.
The exploration is all so new for me.
I’ve been in a relationship for most of my young adult life, 8 years to be exact; one for 7 years and the other for 1 year. I was living in a bubble of sorts, willingly of course. The first one was secure, comfortable, but not the healthiest union to be in. I learned about the expectations of love and change, the illusion of my perception of someone else’s potential, and the clinging to the desire of the perception becoming a reality. The second one was very different, loving and communicative, fun and explorative. I learned about living in the moment, challanging myself, and radical acceptance. But it was also very insecure, inciting feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. Both relationships displayed a sort of codependent attachment. I believe that there are a few reasons for this: Generational patterns, cultural expectations, and what I experienced growing up.
After separating from the latest relationship, I realized that I was not only separating from him, but also from all of the masculine relationships that came before him. The pain that ensued went beyond the rejection and separation from him, but from pain that was present from childhood, pain that kept me in the insecure relationships to begin with.
So much healing has taken place since then. Through Ayahuasca, through the Constellation Healing therapy I’ve been doing since March (I’ll elaborate more on the therapy method in another post), and through conscious awareness of my patterns alongside the desire to change.
For the first time in my life, I have fallen in love with myself. My virtues, my vices, my hopes, my flaws, my beauty, and my quirks. Yes, I still feel insecure sometimes, but I now have been loving myself the way that I’ve so long loved the men in my life. Where I used to forgive them for their bullshit, I am now forgiving myself. Where I used to encourage them when they were down and out, I am now encouraging myself.
I have a calendar alert set for each day which notifies me of this affirmation: “Love from a woman who is in love with herself is deep. There is something godly about a woman who can give, without taking away from herself.”
This is everything for me. For so long, I’ve been giving, depleting, expecting my life and love force to be channeled and charged through another, not seeing how it was taking away from me, and causing an attachment.
But thanks to the healing, all of that is transforming now. I can see it, feel it. In my interactions with myself and in my interactions with others.
Internal portals have opened, allowing me to connect with similar portals in others.
Traveling has made me much more aware of this. I have found love in quite a few connections here. Some expressed, and some kept to myself. But nonetheless, I am discovering new parts of myself through those interactions.
They’re all very different. After all, different people bring out different parts of us. But finding new parts of myself has made for a wider range of frequencies for me to connect with. It feels like an exponential unfolding.
This has also been a lesson on the nuances of non-verbal communication. So much is exchanged when two people are engaged in conversation. Although it may seem as though it is primarily a verbal exchange/interpretation. There is also a lot of sensory, energetic communication happening, beyond what we may be able to initially interpret, and that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s sexual either.
Having a dense language barrier has taught me to finer tune into the non-verbal, energetic ways of communication. It really brings me out of my mind and back into my body, into the feeling aspect. We often spend way too much time in our heads when it comes to such interactions, and not enough time feeling the other person, just being, and again, this doesn’t have to do with being sexual. People assume that when you mention body, it means physical/sexual. But your body is much beyond that. It can tell you when something is good or bad for you. It stores trauma and emotions. Studies have been done on body/sensory awareness and emotional awareness, and how they correspond to the same part of the brain, so how you ‘feel’ physically correlates to how you ‘feel’ emotionally. it’s called ‘interoception’ (google it =P).
Anywho. All of this went in a slightly different direction than I had expected, but I can’t deny the stream-of-consciousness truth that arises while writing.
I realize that there are so many kinds of people that I could fall in love with. Layers and layers of depth, unexplored. I suppose I just have to feel and find what is right for me.
I trust that doing myself, understanding myself, and being my (changing) self will bring forth what is true to me.
In the meantime, I love feeling the love in so many others. Perhaps once I find my life partner, I will still be able to experience this expression of love to a certain degree, and that’s a good, healthy thing, I think.
We are all love, after all. Breathing, doing, being love.
Just love in different forms. <3
